Are you still berating yourself for those old mistakes? Can’t stop thinking about that time when you pass up that great opportunity? That time someone hurt you and can’t get it out of your head? Are you still feeling guilty about that occasion when you failed to apologize? Is it troubling to you that you cannot say “no” to people? There are so many habits we continue to indulge in that prevents us from achieving our goals.
We all dream of having a better life. But we keep staring at the past and this affects the way we progress. You cannot change what happens in the past but you can change the future by changing the way we manage and approach our circumstances.
Here are 9 things you should quit right now and avoid the hazard of gradual underdevelopment. Read them and be mindful that change doesn’t take place overnight, so be patient with yourself.
- Stop People Pleasing
Are you familiar with this terminology? I am sure many of us can relate. People-pleasing is what I called a mental disease. It is a very unhealthy way when dealing with others causing us to lose ourselves in the name of kindness. I thought that this made me a nice and easygoing person but that was a faulty perception. However, there is power when you know where it begins with you and ends with others.
When you think that the act of people-pleasing make you drama-free then you aren’t living your own terms. It’s a sign you are surrounded by selfish and disrespectful people. This is my experience so I won’t go into the science of it because I do not specialize in the field.
At some point, if you become conscious you must stop this dilemma and try to change. Stop putting yourself under pressure to be a good woman. And I say pressure because living in such a mess cause us to feel like we are dragging ourselves each day because of the burden it places on us. We must learn to let go of negative people and realise our worth and understand the importance of being authentic, instead of participating in others games in order to be that “nice person.” We must learn to accept ourselves and respect who we are and know that not everyone is for us. When we set boundaries for ourselves we must also do the same for others. Take that as a project to become your best self.
2. Dwelling on The Past
Repetitive dwelling on the past without any intention of generating solutions is unhelpful and can result in frustration and emotional distress. For example, we might have missed an opportunity that was going to catapult our life and realize our dream, and perhaps many more that we can’t seem to avoid the memory, and some days we might be able to shake it off and move on.
Nearly everyone dwells on the past at times. Some of us are more prone than others. I remember spending many hours thinking about a situation wondering what I could have done differently, what I should have said or done and if I can only have another chance at doing it again what I would do. Yes, I lived in my head a lot. But that’s just a story now because I decide to make a change after I realize that does nothing for me and stagnates my personal development.
Those negative experiences you had and moments you let yourself down use them as a lesson in the future. It is your perception that is distorted when we only view them as regretful and embarrassing. Reflect on it and learn how to respond to those situations asking yourself, How can this empower me? How do I feel about it? Reflect, learn and move on. Don’t nurture it.
3. Fearing Change
What is fear that we should be afraid to change? That cripple-like feeling that paralyzes our mind and triggers our thoughts, which most of the time is based on real stories and things that don’t exist. An example of fear of change is remaining in a relationship that is no longer healthy for you because you are afraid to be alone. My friend shared her story with me about her first relationship and how she was so afraid of being alone that she continued to be with someone she is no longer in love with. This she said, is as a result of her parents who passed on and leave her at the age of 10 – the only child. Every time she thought of leaving she would remember what it felt like when her parents died. Her entire body would shake and would eventually end up being hospitalized.
Life adjustment can be difficult. And we may respond in different ways. Our response has a lot to do with the way we were wired to cope with circumstances. Some of our coping mechanisms can be damaging rather than healing. How do you cope with the fear of change, losing someone or something? Does it scare you to lose the life you have for a better life?
Change is an inevitable part of life. How you manage it is important. Change means uncertainty, stress and anxiety. It will push you out of your comfort zone. Yes, that place where we’ve been or prefer not to be. When you are aware of what you are afraid of it give you a better advantage of how you respond to it. Accept the situation but avoid resigning yourself to it. See it as a positive opportunity to grow. Growth will mean stepping out of your comfort zone, so be patient with yourself. Your life belongs to you, and you are in control-create your own storyline. If you want a positive outcome start with your mind. Always leave room for new chapters and let go of what hinders you. Don’t be frustrated by what could go wrong use that same vitality to push past your fear.
4. Lament Instead of Finding Solutions
Are you one of those people who complain or whine over everything? Some people are complainers. And sometimes they give themselves the right to do so because they believe it is their right. Complaining is one of my pet peeves. Apparently, I have this thing within me that always tells me there is a solution for every problem.
Have you ever found yourself among a group of people who complain a lot? Or are you one of those people? Complaining about weather, slow traffic, slow, but free wi-fi, working long hours, people’s behaviour on social media, and so many other things. Some of them are in our control and others are not. Have you ever stopped and thought for a moment that the situation you complain about is solvable or even if it’s not you should “let sleeping dogs lie”? Have you ever stopped to think and ask yourself, “How is this helping me? Because as you may know that this type of attitude towards something you dislike or is not in your favour does not help to determine the outcome of the situation but may only make it worse. I agree that there are important things we complain about that need attention. But I am talking about the petty things that are out of our control and can possibly wait for another time or those things that we have no business with. Do you get me?
By simply knowing what is priority and important to you will save you a lot of energy and time. Before you complain think it through. I know we all like to be heard and understood, but finding a solution to our darling little problem is the best way to deal with it. Your attitude is contagious, have a good attitude, show gratitude and be positive. And when dealing with chronic complainers know they are miserable and may have underlying issues leading up to their complaint. If they aren’t happy no one else can be happy. Be mindful of the energy around you. Misery loves company.
5. Putting Yourself Down
When you put yourself down you are disrespecting yourself, and doing yourself a disservice. How many times have you dumbed down yourself because you feel someone else deserve to be ahead of you? How many times have you refused a gift or reward because you felt as though you aren’t of it? Sometimes we do it and don’t realize it. With much negative self-talk.
Putting yourself down is tantamount to self-bullying. The terrible things you tell yourself aren’t true. Treat yourself with respect and be honest with whom you know you are. Learn to accept the beautiful things that are gifted to you. Quiet the voice in your head that tells you “You don’t deserve it”, or make you feel guilty. Stop self-deprecating. It is off-putting and comes across like you are self-hating. When you are complimented accept it with grace and gratitude. BECAUSE you deserve it. We all have flaws and feeling like a mess sometimes is a natural part of life but that doesn’t mean we are not deserving of anything. You deserve every good thing.
Don’t feel bad for not wanting to give that speech or being that guest speaker. If someone didn’t see potential in you they would have never made a request. So go ahead, pat yourself on the shoulder. You’re not a failure and you are enough. You wouldn’t condone someone who is directing negative comments to you, so don’t do it to yourself.
“You are your own best friend. Never ever, put yourself down”.
Paul Coelho
EMPOWERING MINDS 